Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009

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Burger King’s slogan “Have It Your Way” was shortened from “Are You Sure You Wanna Eat This? Ok. Have It Your Way”.


ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?

OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?


me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on


Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.


I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.


Instead of condoms I keep moist towelettes in my purse because I am more apt to have buffalo wings instead of sex!


Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.