[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
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Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
What jugglers do best
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
You can’t control what people say or do. The only thing you can control is how much accelerant to use.
*draws a sharpie mustache on my grandma*
lol you cant hang loser.
passin out w/ shoes on? rookie
“Sir please step away from the casket”
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
When your date asks about your hobbies, DON’T grab her table knife in a napkin and say, “Collecting knives with strangers’ prints on them.”
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE!
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra