“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
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Feel. He’s so soft.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo