judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
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I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname