Was it something I said?
You Might Also Like
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on