@living_marble

Was it something I said?

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@jewfacekilla

Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.

@IamJackBoot

I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.

@MrJeremyHorn

So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.

I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.

@JhonRules

Why are there commercials for milk? Who still doesn’t know about milk?

@skylerhanrath

If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.

@TheTweetOfGod

America’s Got (a very loose definition of what constitutes) Talent.

@PatsATweetin

Amazon Review Guide

⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating

@DavidRaymondT

I want a relationship like from Up.

She dies and I get a flying house.

@TheThomason

Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”