Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@capricecrane

Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”

@MissNaughty1801

I’m surprised my son doesn’t think his name is ‘stopit’

@Alextheproducer

The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate

@LuvPug

Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it

@sploosk

If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year

@ask_lorraine

I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.

@Smooheed

Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards

@refinedrednec

I have a way with words. It’s the wrong way but it’s still a way.

@HomeProbably

People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.

It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.

@AnOrangeSNES

When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.

Posted from my iPhone