Was it something I said?
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A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
(Jupiter –
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.