Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
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Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”