was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
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[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Huge, if true.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity