Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
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Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop