Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
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Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Does this dress make me look cat?
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Goodnight 🐶
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope