@JohnHilsen

Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.

You Might Also Like

@mrtruthandsoul

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”

@jitka

My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in

@ImaFlyontheWall

*follows around a family of ducks in the park while playing Sandstorm on a boombox*

@WilliamAder

Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.

@Lisabug74

You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?

@DothTheDoth

If you’re walking by an abandoned bookstore & the front door opens for no reason, go into that bookstore.

@ParasiteHilton

*watches Forensic Files for tips*

*taps pencil*

*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*

*taps pencil*

*pauses*

*underlines it*

@truegritrumble

NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…

@LeslieInMpls

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman