WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
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[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”