My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
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Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
you have three unread messages
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree