Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

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Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.


COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law

ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me


Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth


“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”


the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates


People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.

Both seem so much better before you take them home.


Someone a few houses over is having a party. I can hear the music and laughter and people enjoying themselves. I’m calling the damn cops.