Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
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COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
“What’s your greatest strength?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Someone a few houses over is having a party. I can hear the music and laughter and people enjoying themselves. I’m calling the damn cops.