@WilliamAder

Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

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@LarkynSimony

What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

@Kyle_Lippert

Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”

@MichaelTrying

When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.

@Donna_McCoy

I’m looking at the serving size of Laughing Cow cheese and I see why the cow is laughing.

@Mom_Overboard

Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.

@SketchesbyBoze

Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown

Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life

Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!

@NervousJr

Whenever you’re feeling really bad about yourself just remember, there’s people that pay money to exercise.

@amydillon

[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!

@JasonIsbell

If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”