@WilliamAder

Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

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@Stexcy

Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

@ShortSleeveSuit

COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law

ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me

@DirtMcTurd

Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth

@jakob_huber

“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”

@dollarslices

the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates

@ddsmidt

People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.

Both seem so much better before you take them home.

@markhoppus

Someone a few houses over is having a party. I can hear the music and laughter and people enjoying themselves. I’m calling the damn cops.