Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
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I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
me logging onto twitter
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
When someone says you are so lazy
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.