Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

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What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.


Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”


When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.


I’m looking at the serving size of Laughing Cow cheese and I see why the cow is laughing.


Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.


Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown

Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life

Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!


Whenever you’re feeling really bad about yourself just remember, there’s people that pay money to exercise.


SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!


If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”