‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
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Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.