If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
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Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.