@pork_steaks

“Was this car tested on animals?” “sir animals can’t drive” “will this car enable animals to drive?” “No” “SO YOU DID TEST IT!” “god damnit”

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@mydmac

I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.

@Bedlam_Beersie

Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?

@Bagyants

MSNBC: Racist gets what he deserves!

FOX: What’s next, thought crimes?

CNN: If you stare at your hand for a long time it will look weird

@trevso_electric

Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.

@Fred_Delicious

wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*

@caliluvgirl77

coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine

me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful

@captainkalvis

me: would you ever hit someone with a car for $50

Date: oh dear god no

Me: *counting my money* what about $57?

@jctwritesstuff

Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.

@Kyle_Lippert

The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.