[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
“Was this car tested on animals?” “sir animals can’t drive” “will this car enable animals to drive?” “No” “SO YOU DID TEST IT!” “god damnit”
You Might Also Like
My parenting book would be just a series of “Shhh” with different lengths and punctuation for various occasions.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: *lying nude on checkered blanket*
Him: “Where’s the food and why are you naked?”
Me: “Am I doing it wrong? This is my first picnic.”
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Of all the grotesque sounds coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most disturbing!!
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
“NO NOT FISH