Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
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Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
😂😂
this is how life feels
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.