Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
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My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
“our sushi is very fresh”
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.