y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my shit together & yet still insult me for being full of it?
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If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
“I won’t vaccinate my kids! It’s not healthy and full of dangerous preservatives!!!”
*gives kid a pop tart for breakfast*