@NJPsychDoc
Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my shit together & yet still insult me for being full of it?
@bocxtop
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
@Beerhaze
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
@cloverjag
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
@TheTweetOfGod
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
@ThatBrenna
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
@erichwithach
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
@djdarrellripley
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
@bingowings14
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
@david8hughes
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
@RealChrisChirdo
“I won’t vaccinate my kids! It’s not healthy and full of dangerous preservatives!!!”
*gives kid a pop tart for breakfast*