Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my shit together & yet still insult me for being full of it?
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[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Clark Kent: *sits glasses on counter*
Lois Lane: Who are you and where did the new countertop come from?
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee