@NJPsychDoc

Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my shit together & yet still insult me for being full of it?

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@GoldenSpirals

Cashier: What does your tattoo say?

Me: It doesn’t talk.

Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?

Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.

Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.

@LoveNLunchmeat

[reading online survey]

Are you ready to double your satisfaction?

My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.

*clicks yes*

@sweetg35

You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.

@TheCatWhisprer

Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.

@jrza84

I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.

@TheMichaelRock

Clark Kent: *sits glasses on counter*

Lois Lane: Who are you and where did the new countertop come from?

@neilhimself

In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.

@juskewitch

Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee