I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
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My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
oh shit
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
“Huge”.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
I feel it