Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
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Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human