I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
You Might Also Like
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.