My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
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WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
I hate when that happens.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”