“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
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Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
wtf is an acronym
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.