*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
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Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
channeling her this year
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]