*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
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don’t we all
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
It be like that sometimes 😆
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
This will teach them to underestimate me