*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
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Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.