*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
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Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
i can’t wait that long
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.