*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
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My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
“i am a sweet baby”
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.