[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
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The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Everyone’s family
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?