@Jandalize

Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.

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@Brettagher

“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child

@jellybnbonanza

“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.

@dafloydsta

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I didn’t floss?

DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-

@gruffybeard

Me: *walking through office with a big smile on my face*

Coworker: Wow, you sure do have a lot of pep in your step today! You get lucky last night?

[Flashback to that morning when I found 3 Doritos in my robe pocket getting out of shower]

Me: Yes.

@bridger_w

To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me

@skylerhanrath

*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.

@lifeattiffanys

Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?

@3sunzzz

I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.

@Spaziotwat

My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back

@Bearslietoo

Saw a squirrel get hit by a car earlier.Felt kinda bad,but I don’t think the squirrel gave a shit that the Smart Car was totaled.