Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
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It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
FINE, I WON’T.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.