Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
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her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Seeing the leaves change in autumn always reminds me of my Grandpa. He died falling out of a tree too.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
My 6yo daughter’s teacher just gave me a “Most Improved Ponytail” award.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*