@lukeisamazing

washing your hands is essential

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@oothikicha

Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.

Girl: yes baby, punish me.

Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.

@AbbieEvansXO

[during sex]

her: hurt me

me: there’s only one season of firefly

@ArfMeasures

Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy

@thenatewolf

Seeing the leaves change in autumn always reminds me of my Grandpa. He died falling out of a tree too.

@The_JRM

My 6yo daughter’s teacher just gave me a “Most Improved Ponytail” award.

@iwearaonesie

toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets

@stephenjmolloy

Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”

*later at the abandoned mine*

Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”

@jonnysun

*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect