@lukeisamazing

washing your hands is essential

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@TheAlexNevil

Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.

@WritePlay

ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what

NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that

@BuiltToTopple

You two, right there. You don’t know it yet, but you’ll be coming home with me.

*points at hotel towels*

@BriarSlyMadness

You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…

…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.

@LaceyNycole

Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-

People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE

Meterologist: But science

People: NO

@primawesome

Too bad the dinosaurs didn’t have a Bruce Willisaurus to fly into space and blow that asteroid up.

@chuuew

ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means

@NickBossRoss

Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.

@nevels_kendyle

Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?

Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*