Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
You Might Also Like
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
You two, right there. You don’t know it yet, but you’ll be coming home with me.
*points at hotel towels*
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
Too bad the dinosaurs didn’t have a Bruce Willisaurus to fly into space and blow that asteroid up.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*