“Two’s company, three’s a crowd” – people who’ve never seen a crowd
Wasps: bees, but not helping
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We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
You’re leaving Twitter? For good? That’s too bad. We’ll miss you. See you next week!
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I can’t date a guy who’s afraid of spiders. He can be afraid of stuff I’m not. Like, nachos, maybe. That’s fine. I can take care of those.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.