@PFTompkins

Wasps: bees, but not helping

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@mofrorock

“Two’s company, three’s a crowd” – people who’ve never seen a crowd

@HenpeckedHal

We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.

@Thepinkparka

Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.

Until you realize you live alone.

@peterjames48

You’re leaving Twitter? For good? That’s too bad. We’ll miss you. See you next week!

@TweetPotato314

me: we should have a housewarming party

dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now

@Jesssicle

Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.

@KieranSoFar

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

@MandaPandaXo4

I can’t date a guy who’s afraid of spiders. He can be afraid of stuff I’m not. Like, nachos, maybe. That’s fine. I can take care of those.

@TheBoydP

Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?

@E_lok44

If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.