Wasps: bees, but not helping
You Might Also Like
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
This came to me in a dream.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
tinder is all about the long game
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.