Does beer think about me too?
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When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.