Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
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[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Goat cheese is for herders.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
*Inspirational Tweets*
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe