wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
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[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.