wat apple fanboy caled it an “apple fanboy” insted of an “iDiot”

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My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.


“Statistics show that most shark attacks happen in shallow water.” Really? Maybe cus that’s where the ppl are u idiots.


*Smashes the Sony

*Destroys the Panasonic

*Pummels the Kenwood

*Rips apart the Pioneer

~breaking all stereotypes


Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons


I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!


Interviewer: So what do you have planned for the future?

Me: Lunch

Interviewer: No like long term.

Me: Oh…Dinner.


I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.

Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display


Barista: Name?

Me: Ursula

Barista: With an E?

Me: no, U


I absolutely recommend falling in love with your twitter crush and traveling about 3612 miles to boink them.