My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
wat apple fanboy caled it an “apple fanboy” insted of an “iDiot”
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“Statistics show that most shark attacks happen in shallow water.” Really? Maybe cus that’s where the ppl are u idiots.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Interviewer: So what do you have planned for the future?
Interviewer: No like long term.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
I absolutely recommend falling in love with your twitter crush and traveling about 3612 miles to boink them.