5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
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Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
PLOT TWIST:
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
what kind of cook setting is this??
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
🐕🍷
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?