One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Watch as i slowly pull my shirt up over – wait, stuck in the too-small neckhole…struggling…
Okay, dont watch.
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Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
*buys extra movie ticket seat so I’ll have a place to put my microwave bc I’ll be damned if I’m paying that much for popcorn
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Texted my landlord to tell her that the fridge is broken and I stg this woman responded with “are you sure? It worked fine in 2017.” Like oh okay ma’am sorry I hadn’t considered that
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.