Watch as i slowly pull my shirt up over – wait, stuck in the too-small neckhole…struggling…
Okay, dont watch.

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One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes


Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.


Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.


Nurse: Where does it hurt?

Me: *Points to heart*

Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!



*buys extra movie ticket seat so I’ll have a place to put my microwave bc I’ll be damned if I’m paying that much for popcorn


Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?


Texted my landlord to tell her that the fridge is broken and I stg this woman responded with “are you sure? It worked fine in 2017.” Like oh okay ma’am sorry I hadn’t considered that


4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door

me: oh wow that’s silly

4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.

me: wait, what?


I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.