Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?

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Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.


My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.

Then I eat them all by myself.

Screw those kids.


I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.


I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.


Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.


All the toilets in New York ‘s police stations have been stolen . Police have nothing to go on.


Owls always look like they’ve just found out that they’ve been cheated on.


I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.


(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
M: Nice carpet
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.