Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
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My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
All the toilets in New York ‘s police stations have been stolen . Police have nothing to go on.
Owls always look like they’ve just found out that they’ve been cheated on.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.