Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
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I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.