@abbycohenwl

Watch me get this baby up to 90 miles per hour!
– inventor of the baby catapult minutes before he was arrested

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@daynamcalpine_

a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists

@jada_captain

*weather drops 2 degrees*

me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

@BoogTweets

Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

@faizziy

My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..

@sixfootcandy

Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!

@dramadelinquent

My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.

We will be telling them tonight.

@paperphotoyo

[1st Date]

Brain: Be cool, gurl
Him: Hi, I’m Ja-
Me: Toilet paper should be called crapkins
Him:
Netflix: So… Just you and me again, eh?

@CarolineCasey

We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.