a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Watch me get this baby up to 90 miles per hour!
– inventor of the baby catapult minutes before he was arrested
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*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Brain: Be cool, gurl
Him: Hi, I’m Ja-
Me: Toilet paper should be called crapkins
Netflix: So… Just you and me again, eh?
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
– a love story