Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
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My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors