[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
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Snapes on a plane.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Lol.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*