Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
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Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Ok but actually
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.