watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
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Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol