BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
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*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!
Me: thanks God!
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
If it weren’t for twitter I wouldn’t know what it feels like to go unnoticed.
Just kidding, I’m married. I know exactly how that feels.
Dang girl are you the old lady from Up, because I’ve only been here for like 5 minutes and you’re already gone.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
mark, my words. *mark brings me a dictionary* thanks mark