@goldengateblond

Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.

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@QwertyJones3

BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound

ARCHITECT: why

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper

ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!

@NewDadNotes

Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?

Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?

Me: oh.

Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?

Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.

@OllyiConic

After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.

@shadonium

Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!

*sigh*
Me: thanks God!

@robknepper

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.

@FierceMess

If it weren’t for twitter I wouldn’t know what it feels like to go unnoticed.

Just kidding, I’m married. I know exactly how that feels.

@robfee

Dang girl are you the old lady from Up, because I’ve only been here for like 5 minutes and you’re already gone.

@bonehugsnirony

me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm

@philyuck

mark, my words. *mark brings me a dictionary* thanks mark