“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
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me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.