@N0pantz

Watch your wedding video backwards. You’ll love the part when you take your ring off, walk away from the altar, & leave with your friends.

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@prontopup

“OMG IT’S RAINING A LITTLE BIT AND NOW I’VE FORGOTTEN EVERYTHING I’VE EVER KNOWN!!!” – Drivers, apparently.

@dmc1138

Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”

Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”

@Eden_Eats

The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.

@JediGigi

My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.

@savvystrider

Saw a Chinese baby and a black kid wave at each other today. Gives me hope for the future. Or another Rush Hour movie.

@TheBoydP

Coworker: Did you spank your sons?

Me: Not a lot

Coworker: What about your wife?

Me: Yes, I spanked her all the time

Coworker: …

@SteveKoehler22

Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.

Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.

@WilliamAder

I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.

@walliesta

How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.