“OMG IT’S RAINING A LITTLE BIT AND NOW I’VE FORGOTTEN EVERYTHING I’VE EVER KNOWN!!!” – Drivers, apparently.
Watch your wedding video backwards. You’ll love the part when you take your ring off, walk away from the altar, & leave with your friends.
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Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
If money can’t buy happiness, explain ice cream. You can’t.
Saw a Chinese baby and a black kid wave at each other today. Gives me hope for the future. Or another Rush Hour movie.
Coworker: Did you spank your sons?
Me: Not a lot
Coworker: What about your wife?
Me: Yes, I spanked her all the time
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.
Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.