Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
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the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.