Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Watched an old man pay in all quarters and my only thought was “he must keep all the money he pulls from behind kid’s ears”
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“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
The first rule of cliff hanger club is
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
GUYS THE TEQUILA KARAOKE GUY MADE IT TO AMERICA’S GOT TALENT AND ACTUALLY GOT FOUR YESES IM CRYING
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
I love how the Ninja Turtles wear masks to hide their identity. It’s not like you’re a giant turtle or anything.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting