@Mr_Kapowski

Watched an old man pay in all quarters and my only thought was “he must keep all the money he pulls from behind kid’s ears”

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@dannyboy7813

*first date*

Her: I’m a bit of a night owl

Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl

H: Well, aren’t you a hoot

@GreyDeLisle

“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob

@AimeeHelene1

If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”

@h0sh1ko

GUYS THE TEQUILA KARAOKE GUY MADE IT TO AMERICA’S GOT TALENT AND ACTUALLY GOT FOUR YESES IM CRYING

@UnFitz

I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.

@tiemoose

date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous

me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha

@rad_milk

DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog

@QuotingJokes

I love how the Ninja Turtles wear masks to hide their identity. It’s not like you’re a giant turtle or anything.

@Love_bug1016

I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?

~ me 30 minutes into dieting