Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
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I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Goat cheese is for herders.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
reduce, reuse, recycle
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Can’t stop laughing
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*