Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
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Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
fair
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.